You know, there are times when you think: life has too many restraints. You worry about the consequences of your words and actions, about your future. You think about all the what if's, and the what will be's. You want to follow your heart, but you're afraid you'll fall, hard.
Quote the movie, Three idiots.
"How can you be living today, when you’re so afraid of tomorrow?"
Well, yes, I understand that. But the problem is, I can't not worry for tomorrow. I can't leave anything and just live my life as I want it. Pretty much selfish of me if I chose to do so. But, how I want to. How I want to!
Right now I'm studying my A-levels, a JPA scholar, on my way to a career in Med. At times I can't help but wonder: Is this a life I want to lead?
Dreams and Reality. For those who gets to realise your dream in reality, count your blessings. It's not something everyone gets to do. So you best grasp it as it is and enjoy your ride to the max.
My dream? Was, and still is, to travel the world. Even when I was making my choice as to my future career prospect, I was grappling with these 2 choices:
Do I want to be a good doctor, to serve humanity, to sacrifice?
Or Do I want to travel the world and quench my desires?
To me, there's no middle ground. I desperately want to enjoy life to the max when I'm still young. It's a long road in med school, some 10+ years of education after high school. Contrary to some, I knew what I was walking into. I wasn't onto the unicorns and rainbows of the life of a doctor. I had the notion about what the harsh reality of a doctor's life is, but I still plunged into it, eyes open and all. And I know if I continue down this road, I'll have to devout my attention to it and leave my dreams behind. Yes, I know I'll strive to become a good doctor.
But do I really want that?
Do I want to become a doctor? If you ask me that, I'll give you a definite yes. And I can list out a string of reasons why I want to become a doctor. But in the end of the day, when it's just me, asking myself the same question, I'm not that sure.
Do I want to travel for my life? A month? A year? A few years? Yeaaaa! Definitely a "Hell Yes" there. But do I want to do it for the rest of my life? I don't know. I've only seen the pros to it, but not the cons. So how can I make a decision? You may say, take a leap of faith. But in the end, I can't do it, cause I'm too afraid of my future to take that leap. Buddhism saying: I can't Let go.
All my life, up until now, I've been trying to be like my brother. To follow his footsteps. Yea, I may kid myself that I'm not. But it's always like him, or better than him. Much of my thoughts and views on life and things in general are influenced by him. Yes, I wanted to be a doctor before he even wanted to. But I can't help thinking that following up with the decision, was I subconsciously following his footsteps? I'm not blaming anyone for the choices I've made though. Just generally reflecting, and trying to come to terms with myself.
Funny, how I always want to be someone else. I always try to be those that I admire: some of my friends, my family, or distinguished personas. And I can't help losing myself a little day by day.
What happened to the saying that I stand by?
"Always be yourself. Cause life is too short to be anybody else."
I've tried to be somebody else for god knows how long. But from now on, I'll try to be myself.
And the first step is to find myself, and figure out what I really want.
