Oct 30, 2011

Not for the faint-hearted - Braving the Malaysia KTM chaos

This post was written without the intention of any offense. If any is taken, my apologies in advance.


Public transport.

Ah, everyone who has been on one have some experiences to share about it. Especially if you live to tell the stories of the Malaysia commuter train. And being a poor student with no vehicle stuck in the middle of nowhere, taking the commuter is the only way if you want to save money, albeit a bad choice.


First, you wait...

And wait...and wait...

For the trains that are never once on time. Or if you look at it from another perspective, it is on time. Why? There's this digital board at the platform with the arrival time of the train blinking at you. The time displayed on the digital board changes every few seconds, each time delaying the train to 10 or 15 minutes later. So in a way, the train always comes at the time shown. It is from firsthand experience I can say that it may be possible for a train that was scheduled to arrive at 2 to be delayed to sometime near 4. And nope, I'm not exaggerating. Just ask anyone who has been on the ktm.

What about schedules, you ask? Well, we do have train schedules, we just run it on Malaysian time. Which gives it an allowance of plus minus 1 hours to 2 hours uncertainty to the actual time.


And the train arrives...

Finally! Packed to the brim with people of all sizes. Now's the time you abandon every moral or ethics you ever have or learnt about in your lessons about queuing up. There should only be a first and foremost rule in your mind. SQUEEZE IN! Get in, find your corner and hold on with your life! Well, you may get lucky during the peak hours, when no effort is needed to get into the train. You just need to stand in the middle of a crowd and go with the flow. Don't worry, they'll bring you in. There was a time when I was literally swept off my feet by the crowd while trying to get in. Thank god that there was no space for me to fall as I was sandwiched between people, or else I would've been trampled to death.

p/s: I was in the ladies coach. So guys, never underestimate girl power! Grrrrrr!


Now that you're in...

Surrounded by sweaty bodies, all kinds of body odours and perfumes. You're standing next to a fat guy who is sweating profusely and because your hand is plastered on his, now your hand is slick with HIS sweat. You're afraid of breathing too deeply in case you get suffocated. There's no need for any handholds though, you can't fall even if you want to. The train wobbles a lil' from side to side as it moves, so you get to be part of a Mexican wave. Don't worry, it's to improve the companionship between fellow passengers. There'll also be the frequent bouts of electricity shortage where you'll be stuck in a dark carriage. With your sense of sight partially hindered, your other senses will be heightened. You can almost hear the wheezing of a person a few meters away and smell the fresh sweat leaking out of pores... then there's the heat of being cramped in a sea of bodies in a limited space...

Don't complain though, it's all for the bonding of fellow passengers. After all, what better way to bond than when you experience a harrowing experience together?

And just for future reference, remember to pee before you get into the train. It's not a pleasant feeling having something pressed on your full bladder. On second thought, if you DO pee on the train, at least you get breathing space as people will be too disgusted to get near you. You'll have to brave the humiliation though.


You reach your destination...

By focusing and listening hard to the crappy intercom, as you have absolutely no idea where you are when all you can see is a myriad of faces. Now, brace yourself as you'll need to part the crowds to get to the door. Just a heads up, passengers getting in will not wait for you to get out, so go for it! Like everything in life, your freedom is in your own hands. Huzzah!


For ladies...

Unless you're very very tall and can tower even over guys, I recommend the ladies' coach. There's nothing worse than having to spend the entire 2 hours journey with your nose shoved under some guy's armpit or directly in line to a mouth giving out disgusting odour. It's also not fun to have your ear breathed into. Not to mention there's that perv who will have a validate reason to feel you up. "It's so packed that I don't have anywhere else to put my hands!"

But then, being in the ladies' coach have its own cons. Like now, even as I'm furiously typing away on my phone, there's a lady who can't stop flicking her hair over my face. It's kinda hard to distinguish anything on the phone screen over the strands of hair.


KTM quotes

"I'm training to be a stuntman," says a guy who spent the entire 45 minutes journey standing on one leg with his hands on the train wall and his body inclined over a seated passenger at almost 45 degrees.

"hey, can you please hold this for me? I need to put my phone into my bag in case it falls and breaks."
"dude, there's no large enough gap for your phone to drop."



- This post was written by the author while stuck in a dark and hot carriage for TWO HOURS listening to the repeats of "Attention to all passengers, the train to Sg.Gadut will not be arriving on schedule. We can not guarantee when the train will reach as there is an electricity shortage at the Serdang KTM station." What can I say? Malaysia Boleh! -


Interpretation of the signboard:
- KILL ALL MEN
- DESTROY ALL COUPLES
- lesbians are encouraged
- single mothers are encouraged.




Fishtail Evonne